Guest Blog: Scars and The Emotions They Hold
A scar is just a scar, right? That is what I always thought. I grew up with 4 pretty major scars on the outside of my legs and hips from hip surgery I had as a baby as a result of congenital hip disorder. I was born with dislocated hips and twisted femur bone. The scars didn’t bother me and I often used to have fun making up more exciting stories about how I might have got them. I remember being on a dive boat in Thailand in my early twenties and I told a group of Americans that they were scars from shark bites when I was attacked by a school of sharks when scuba-diving. That seems incredibly rude when I think about it now but I got tired of explaining something that seemed as normal as the colour of my hair. I never felt the need to ask them why they were overweight so why pry about my scars?
Discovering Hip Dysplasia
When my hip pain became severe in my late teens it transpired that my hips had become displaced and weren’t sitting in the hip sockets properly. Again, I went through reconstructive surgery on both of my hips a year and a half apart where they essentially broke my femur bone just below the ball and greater trochanter and reset and pinned my hips back into place. On the left side they even attempted to try a new technique where they used parts of my bone to build a shelf to give my hip socket more depth. These operations were huge. With the left side it involved 3 whole weeks in traction in hospital and with both I spent 6 months on crutches turning my university social life on its head. I was forced to rethink my plans and do my 3 year degree over 4 years giving me the time to recover. I so badly wanted to be pain free and be able to walk without fear of my leg giving way and because there was quite a wait on the NHS the surgeries were most yearned for and I never ever considered the resulting scars beyond giving them a bit of a massage in the early recovery period.
Ongoing Hip Pain
Unfortunately, these surgeries didn’t provide me with the pain relief I hoped for and what relief they did give me lasted only a few years. I was told that the hip sockets were fast deteriorating, I had osteoarthritis, labral tears and I would need both hips replaced. The decision of when was very much left up to me. I was told only I would know when my quality of life had been impacted that much that surgery was the only option. The pressure of having to make this decision myself was huge. In hindsight I waited FAR FAR too long. The constant chronic pain had a huge impact on my quality of life and when I did have my hips replaced in 2009 and 2015, the joints were pretty much bone on bone. In fact, after my first hip replacement on my left hip my surgeon said it was one of the most worn out hips he had ever seen.
The lateral shelf they had previously built on my left hip caused massive complications with the hip replacement. I didn’t realise that a hip replacement isn’t as straight forward when the surgeon is working with hips that have already been through reconstructive surgery and in my case they had been through two rounds and this new lateral shelf. I was left with sharp shooting pains down my leg. It took a year and a half of investigations and two further surgeries in 2011 to clean up the joint and realise that my rectus femoris had become detached from my pelvis and attached to the remnants of my old lateral shelf. It was pinned back in its correct place attached to my pelvis. All these operations involved opening me in the same place as my childhood scars, extending them and also some new scars. I was always fascinated by how proud my Consultant was by the quality of the scar, whereas I was much more concerned about whether my pain was gone. After the complications with my left hip replacement I remember saying to my Consultant to just not worry about the scar and to just cut me as much he needed to in order to find the cause of my pain. Pain relief was really all that mattered to me.
Discovering Scar Therapy
I met Emma Holly in between my first and second hip replacements in 2015, she had just started her Scar Therapy work and was looking for bodies to work on. As a Pilates teacher I was intrigued by anything that could help me especially with all the restricted range of movement I had around my rectus femoris. I had a few treatments and the results were subtle but noticeable as I had reached a plateau in terms of my strength through my quadriceps.
A Bowel Cancer Diagnosis
Roll forward a few years to 2018, a few months after the birth of my third child I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I had been completely pain free since my second hip replacement in 2016 and had made significant lifestyles changes and felt I should be more ‘well in myself’ than I was. Three pregnancies and motherhood meant I was repeatedly dismissed by my GP. Eventually by the time I was going to the toilet 30 times a day and had blood in my stool a GP eventually took notice. My stool tests showed I had campylobacter and I was treated for a bacterial infection for 3 weeks. It was only at the end of these 3 weeks when I was incredibly unwell that I took the plunge and asked my GP to refer me to a private gastroenterologist.
A colonoscopy identified a cancerous tumour and weeks later I was booked in for a bowel resection. I was told it would be keyhole surgery and pretty straight forward as they thought the tumour was a T2 or T3. However, when they went in they discovered the tumour was much bigger (a T4), it had grown outside of my sigmoid colon and attached to my rectum. I had three quarters of my sigmoid colon removed and two thirds of my rectum resulting in a scar from the top of my pubic mound to my belly button.
When I came to in the recovery room, I was screaming with pain which they referred to as ‘colic’, but I have never experienced pain like it and the days that followed were much the same. Passing my backlog of stool was a hundred times worse than birthing a baby. My recovery was and, in many ways, still is an emotional rollercoaster. I often wonder how much your subconscious hears what is being said in the operating theatre and how much of the ‘oh dear, this is far worse than we expected’ I heard. The pain post cancer surgery was beyond any other surgery I have ever had and the emotional fallout was huge. Even when out of hospital my scar hurt and I felt a constant pull to the right with every step I took.
This post is not meant to directly be an advert for ScarWork but seriously, within two sessions with Emma I felt 80% better both physically in reducing that internal pull I was feeling but also I felt a subtle emotional release. I continued to have a couple more treatments with one of her trainees, Vanessa Barker. I volunteered at a couple of her training days and then my husband – who is also a massage therapist – trained in ScarWork, so I can have treatments whenever I like (or when the children allow!).
Moving forward
I have just been through my 18 month post cancer checks. My colonoscopy was completely clear and I have a few more days before I get my CT scan and blood results. I really believe that although I wouldn’t wish what I have been through on anyone, it has brought me huge positives. It led me to acareer I absolutely love. It has led me on a journey of wellness, self-care and being kinder to myself. It has also encouraged me to stay clear of anything that causes me stress or anxiety and try to live for the day ahead of me. I try to find joy in the simple things. I also think my experiences have made me a better Pilates teacher and a better wellness coach. I am good at listening, understanding and empathising. A lot of people want to work with me because I understand chronic pain, I understand cancer both whilst going through treatment and also when you are living between scans and expected to carry on as normal and I also understand motherhood and the daily pressures of juggling work, health concerns and a young family.
About the Author: Angela Rake
Angela describes herself as a ‘seasoned veteran of the operating theatre’ and a cancer survivor. Angela is mum to three young children and runs a busy business together with her husband James. Together they created Zing Wellness, offering pilates and hypnobirthing and massage. If you wish to contact Angela her website is zingwellness.co.uk.